


Pain.(Zianourry)

by zauthor



Series: All his little things(Zayn Centric)(Drabbles) [11]
Category: One Direction (Band), Zayn Malik (Musician)
Genre: Angst, Fluff, M/M, Multi, Zayn-centric, zianourry - Freeform
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2016-03-25
Updated: 2016-03-25
Packaged: 2018-05-29 01:18:58
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 3,563
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/6353179
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/zauthor/pseuds/zauthor
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Pain.<br/>It's the shadow that looms over you in the brightest of days. The mask that covers your face and doesn't let itself seep through. It's the stone that sits in your heart. The lump that grows in your throat suffocating you till the point where you can only gasp to breathe. It's the pang in your chest that reminds you of your existence. It's the darkness that consumes you and makes you forget yourself.</p>
            </blockquote>





	Pain.(Zianourry)

Pain.

It's not a word. It's not an emotion. It's not even a feeling. No.

Pain.

It's the shadow that looms over you in the brightest of days. The mask that covers your face and doesn't let itself seep through. It's the stone that sits in your heart. The lump that grows in your throat suffocating you till the point where you can only gasp to breathe. It's the pang in your chest that reminds you of your existence. It's the darkness that consumes you and makes you forget yourself.

That's Pain.

And that's what Zayn felt when he woke up on the 25th of the third month of that year. It felt like all that he had kept to himself was exploding out, suffocating him. It was like the revival of emotions that he had felt precisely a year ago. The strong feeling of nostalgia, embracing him in its coldness.

Pain.

It has different ways of showing itself. Some cry, some yell, and some just fall apart. And believe it or not, those are the ones who get off the hook easily. No matter how much it affects them, they will be releasing it and getting it out of their system. Those are the people who rid themselves of pain and start again completely healing themselves. They might be reminded of it, but they won't ever be on the verge of breaking down again.

However, not all of the people are that lucky. There is a real bunch of them who have it the worse. They are in a state that is commonly referred as denial.

Denial does not only mean that a person does not accept something, but it is a condition where the person is split in two, torn between themselves in a war of their own. The pain that consumes the person becomes a part of them, nagging at their heart and reminding them of its presence, but unlike everyone else they swallow it, letting it grow until it becomes that person.

Zayn was in denial. On what was supposed to be the happiest day of his life, he woke up with a vortex of emotions pulling at his heart. A year ago when he had left, it was merely a point of realization that life was too short not to spend it for himself, the exhaustion of the facade only working as a fuel for his actions. It was exactly as he had later narrated in his interviews.

' He had just wanted to go home.'

And the circumstances made it easy for him to leave like he did.

In retrospect, Zayn was not a reckless person. The Bradford lad had always thought more than twice before doing anything, whether it was as small as an embarrassing confession or as big as coming out of the closet. However, that day it felt like over thinking has what restrained him in the first place. And taking control of his life for once was the best feeling he had ever experienced. For once, doing things just for the hell of it felt like the greatest idea ever, and it might've been the best if he hadn't left behind something he valued.

Pain.

It's there for a reason. It's what makes us different from an inanimate object. It's what makes us human.

Zayn was human. He had not thought about what he was leaving behind, just about what he had gone through and what awaited him. Personally, he hadn't thought of it as leaving them behind but growing with them at his side. But not everything works the way you want it to.

The boys were furious. They were not ready to understand anything. They just wanted him to tell them. Were they not enough? Why did he only left a year before their contract ended? Was it that much for him? Most importantly, were they too much for him?

Everybody has their perspective. Unfortunately, his boyfriends' view contrasted with his own. Nobody was ready to accept what had happened and Zayn, being his usual self, left things in hope of them getting better on their own.

The Twitter feud later that year was the result of the miscommunication that Zayn had left to bloom, himself. It was only because he expected Louis to understand but sadly he did not. Instead, he targetted him, leaving him hurt. What he didn't know at that point was, it was him who was not trying to understand their perspective and by the time he did realize, it was too late.

Slowly but effectively, the sadness in his chest molded itself into anger. In fact, it was natural. When you don't understand things and see no reason for it, you get angry. Everytime Zayn saw them something broke in his heart. He completely overlooked the fact that he was the one who left. He made them a four-piece, and he gave away his place. But that was not what was hurting him. What hurt him was how everyone acted as if he had never existed. As if he had always been an excess part of an organ and cutting him out didn't make any difference.

He knew he should've reached out to them, called them or summat, but he had, and they hadn't responded to any of them. That was the most painful part of it all. His boys were ignoring him, pretending as if he had never existed and that crushed him. They knew what he did was just, and he couldn't take it anymore, it was affecting him and changing him. He just didn't want to lose himself. He didn't want to be that guy from one direction. Zayn was his own person, and he had had enough of living life as a puppet. All of them had had enough. So, he expected them to understand him, but they simply did not or maybe he didn't.

The first time he was provoked to think about how everybody else felt was when Louis had called him.

It was extremely late at night, and Zayn was not expecting anyone to call him let alone one of his boyfriends (if he could still call them that.) Louis was a drunk mess.

" I've done it again." he had said. No greeting just straightforward Louis. Zayn's heart had filled up to its brim with what could only be distinguished as joy.

" Louis." He had let out tentatively, scared that Louis might've gotten the wrong number.

" I've done it again, Zayn." All his suspicions, fading away when he heard his own name. Up till that point, Zayn hadn't realized how much he had missed it. It being their relationship. But the mixed feelings suffocating him were enough for him to become conscious of the fact that he had indeed missed his boyfriends.

"Louis, are you okay? Where are you?" He had to bite on his lower lip to keep himself from smiling. Louis was clearly distressed about something and Zayn didn't want his emotions to seep into his voice.

" Briana is pregnant." Zayn had frowned but shrugged it off as just drunk Louis talking.

" Louis, I don't care about her, whoever she is. What's going on? Where are you?" Zayn had rolled his eyes out of habit. He shook his head smiling fondly at his boyfriend's tendency to get sidetracked, quite easily.

" It's my baby." That had managed to wipe away Zayn's smile entirely, replacing it with a wistful expression. For a few minutes, he couldn't say anything, gaping at his boyfriend's confession.

" What?" Finally, he had let out, wide-eyed.

" Zayn, I'm soo sorry, I screwed up." Blinking his eyes at Louis' words, Zayn had opened his mouth to let out the first thing that came to his scrambled mind.

" How do you know it's yours?" He had breathed out.

" Because I was drunk and, you left, and I slept with her." Louis' voice had come out exasperated. " Oh my god! What am I going to do?"

Swallowing his emotions Zayn had asked. " Do the boys know?"

"No you idiot! I always tell you first! You know that!" Louis had replied almost immediately.

" Is she keeping it?" Was the next rational question and honestly, Zayn didn't know what he felt about either possibility of the answer.

" Yes! Don't call it, an it! It's my baby!" Louis yelled, seemingly irritated.

" It's Briana's baby." Zayn had let it out before he could even think about it.

"Oh yeah? Well, it could've been yours, but you decided you were too good for us." Louis' had stated, rather harshly.

" What?" Zayn had frowned.

" You think we like all of this? The life we've been tricked into? No, we don't! But we love each other, and we don't want to fall apart. But guess what you already took care of that." It had felt as if someone had stabbed Zayn right in his heart.

" Excuse me for wanting to live my life." He spat, hurt by his boyfriend's statement.

" I thought we were your life!" Louis retorted.

" You were! You are." He immediately corrected his statement.

"Oh forget it. I don't even know what I was thinking. I should've never called you. It's not like you need us anyway."

"Louis, you know, I do." It had come out more like a whine the he had intended to.

" Then why did you leave?" And there was the question he had dreaded.

" It's not like you stopped me. Not even once. You know I would've stayed. I would've survived a year longer, for you." It was something that Zayn had thought about a lot but hadn't even let himself ponder over it.

" We wanted you to be happy." was Louis' reply.

" I am happy!" Zayn stated, immediately regretting it as it left his lips.

" Bye Zayn. Stay happy." And before he could say anything else, he was stopped by the phone being hung up.

Pain.

It leaves you desolate and depressed.

For a month Zayn had stayed at his parents' house, wondering about what he had done, letting himself wallow in his self-created misery. The Raven haired lad had worked himself up to the point where he could do nothing but be mad at himself for everything. To him, it felt as if everyone was conspiring against him and everything was part of that conspiracy. He was confident that he could explain his feeling. Feeling? Calling it, that didn't even seem right. It was more like a tug, a very distinct tug in his chest, exactly where his heart laid. The unmistakable clawing at the inside, which felt as if something was trying to scratch its way out of his heart. It was as if something was trapped inside, a very strong something, and it had had enough, and it was struggling to come out. Sadly, he knew what it was. It was the pain. The pain of the words that shouldn't have meant anything to him but hit him like the cold air nipped at your skin after a warm shower. The pain that he withheld just for the sake of his sanity and ironically it drove him insane. He knew it was his own fault, but he couldn't be so sure. It was all a blur, those days. One second he'd be cheerful and the other he'd feel like screaming till he died. He was aware of what was happening, but he didn't have the heart to accept it. He just couldn't fathom that he'd have to go through it again.

The first time around he had been clueless and confused but this time, he knew what was happening and what was going to happen. The actual possibility of it made his skin crawl. But no matter how much he avoided it, in the end, he just had to accept it. He had relapsed.

Zayn hadn't accounted for his fingers dialing the particular number and turning his phone on speaker. He was so out of it that he didn't even felt surprised when the phone didn't directly went to voicemail. His eyes didn't move from the ceiling, hazy and distant. Soon the line disappeared, replacing itself with slow breathing.

"Hi, Liam." Zayn had let out. For a second there he ignored that they hadn't talked in months, and everything was a mess between them. He just let himself surrender to his depression, and it felt natural. Everything seemed natural. " I think I've relapsed." He took the sharp intake of breath on the other line as a sign for him to continue. " Yeah, it's happening again. I can't even control it anymore, and it's scaring me." He inhaled deeply, hoping for any sort of response but sadly Liam had stuck to his silence. " Last time, I didn't know what it was. Now I know exactly what it is and.." He sniffles, letting the first tear out of his eyes. " I don't want to go through it again. I don't want to feel like everyone is out there to get me. I don't want everyone to walk on eggshells around me. I don't want to feel worthless." He choked slightly before swallowing the lump in his throat and continuing. " I'm soo scared, Li. I don't know what to do." He let himself loose sobbing, uncontrollably.

" I'm soo sorry; I shouldn't have called you." He started saying, when he was composed enough but was interrupted by a voice that he had thought he would never be able to listen to again.

" Make your own music, Zayn. That's all you've ever wanted." And with that, the phone started beeping signaling that Liam had hung up.

For an hour, Zayn had sat there thinking about what Liam had said. By the end of it, he had a new plan, a new strategy and a new theory. He had decided to do exactly what Liam had said. And so Zayn worked his way out of depression and started to make his own music. He had to start from scratch, but at least, he had something to do with life.

On their fifth anniversary Zayn woke up with a heavy heart but for once in a long time he was happy for his boyfriends. He was glad that they were okay, and they were doing what they wanted, and he was ready to do what he wanted. Liam's tweet only worked as a moral booster for him

When he heard the band's first single without him, he felt the exact opposite of what he thought he would. For years, he had searched for his own voice in their songs but in that song he just wanted to listen to his boys because that was what made him happy.

Pain.

It deceives you and tricks you into thinking that it went away, only to come back with full force, reminding you of its bitter taste.

Zayn had entirely dedicated himself to producing the album of his essence. In his mind, he had a lot to show and a lot to prove, and he wanted to do just that. He had to demonstrate that he had left for all the right reasons, but he knew that it wasn't the right way.

He was in the middle of a writing session when he had received the notification a music video. 'History', it had said and for some reason, the play button had been too tempting for Zayn to resist. So, he didn't.

It was like a vacuum had created itself in the pit of his stomach sucking away at his organs. For other people, it might've been just some slides of the band but for him it was the memories that he had pushed to the back of his head, locking them away in a dark corner. The snippets reminded him of their time together, linking his emotions to every single one of them.

By the end of the video, he was too hungover from his past to do anything. He was torn between smiling at the memories and crying for what he had given away. The rope in his chest, tightening around his heart, suffocating him slowly.

Swallowing, he had looked back at his phone when a distinctively familiar name showed up on the screen. Trying his hardest not to choke he had attended the call.

" Zayn." He had let himself smile as he heard the warmth in that voice.

" Harry." He had sniffled.

" Louis' had a baby boy." Harry had let out rather cheerfully.

" Yeah?" Zayn had wiped the tears from under his eyes, smiling big. No matter how much he avoided it, his conscience reminded him that it was his baby too.

" Ahan. He named him Freddie and Louis cut the cord too." There was an animated tinge to Harry's voice.

" No, he did not! What about cord massacre and gross acts." Zayn had chuckled remembering the conversation they had not too long ago.

" All down the drain. He even said it was special or something. " Harry had laughed.

" Have you seen him?" Zayn had asked, slightly jealous.

" No, Briana won't let us." Was the reply that made Zayn furious.

" What?" He had spat.

" You should call him. I saw him today, Zee. All he would talk about is you. How Freddie and you have the same birth month. How he's mad at Freddie for not being born on the same day as his Baba. How he had to be born on the opposite day. You know he even prayed for Briana to go into labour early so you guys would have the same birth date. " it had felt as if Zayn's heart string were being pulled at ruthlessly.

" I want to " He had simply let out.

" Then do. He misses you. We miss you." Harry's tone was pleading.

" I miss you too, Hazz. I do." Zayn had let out defeated.

" We need you, Zee."

" Hazz." Zayn had wanted him to stop.

" Please, Zayn."

" Hazz." It felt as if Harry was tearing him apart from the inside out.

" You know it's about you."

" The song?" Zayn had been hesitant talking about it.

" Yeah. We can make it Zayn. We are the greatest team. Just please." And that had crushed Zayn to an extent he was not sure he could recover from.

" What do you want me to do?" He had let out exasperated.

" I don't know! Reverse time for all I care. I just want you to fix it." Harry had yelled.

" I want to fix it, but I don't know how to. Everything's gone to mush, and I've had to pick myself up from scratch, and now I think I'm getting there, but I can never be happy. I can never be happy." Zayn had finally let go, piling up all of his feelings onto his curly haired boyfriend.

" You can, and you will be." And with that Harry had hung up leaving an utterly perplexed Zayn behind.

After that day, Zayn had drowned himself into promoting his album. And working his way up to making it the best he could do. He had occupied himself with so much work that he couldn't possibly have time to think about anything, and that was exactly what he had wanted.

Pain.

It either takes you, or you take it. In both cases, leaving behind a different person. The stage after that, you can call it acceptance but I think of it as forfeiting to your demons and finally giving it all up.

Zayn did not want to get out of bed. To hell with all the promotions and advertising. He was too depressed to be bothered with anything of such sort. He picked up his phone from his side table, in the hope of turning it off before anyone found out about his intentions. Coincidentally, his phone had started ringing the exact moment and in his startled actions, he had accidentally attended the call. Groaning, he places his phone to his ear, already thinking about ways to get out of his situation.

" Hello." He expected his manager but was completely taken aback by the voice that replied.

" Zayn." Placing a hand on his heart, he got up into a sitting position.

" Niall." He breathed out, shocked.

" It's been a year, Zayn." That was enough to get Zayn choked up.

" Niall." He couldn't find his words.

" Where do you live, Zee. We're at the airport. Want to see you." What Niall said was quite simple but for Zayn, it was some sort of invitation that he had been waiting on since forever. With the phone still in his hand, the raven-haired lad had darted outside his house and started running towards the direction where he thought the airport was.

Was he planning to run to the airport, bare feet and just in his PJs, he did not know. But he surely wanted to.

+

Okay, I swear I dunno how I feel about this. I just wrote this in the heat of the moment and now it doesn't even seem that good. Anyways, if you even like it a little do tell me. This is again in M.O.M celebration and for the people who are waiting on IGYMH I swear I was going to update it today but it just wouldn't come to me and I don't want to write a crap chapter. Anyways don't forget to leave feedback and yeas.

Love. Saraxx


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